Your Health, Your Business - Do What's Good for Your Health

In a world that celebrates a great physique, it can be challenging to be self-accepting. I, for one, struggled with body image issues since the age of ten, when I was disrespected for being "fat" and "ugly" despite actually being underweight. It only got worse when my "friends" began to pair me with the biggest guy in class, saying how we were perfect for each other because of our weight. It almost took a decade of self-loathing, body dysmorphia, and eating disorders to finally become happy with the way I looked. However my parents felt it was necessary to tell me I was too big when I was truly happy with the body I had crafted, one that was healthy and fit. Although I was confident in my own skin for the first time in my life, the demon in me would whisper, "no one thinks you're worthy of being a personal trainer with that physique." The insecurity ate me alive.

This photo represents the time I intrinsically accepted my body, but felt insecure
about the physique I possessed as a personal trainer.

In order to fit the "personal trainer aesthetic", I began a mini cut. At about 25% body fat, I figured it wouldn't hurt to lose several pounds anyway. Early into the cut, I found out that there would be a bodybuilding competition. A part of me always wanted to compete anyway, so I spent some time contemplating on whether I should compete, and eventually decided that I would. Subsequently, what started as a mini cut became a 12 week-long bikini competition prep.

When my bikini prep first started, I didn't consider the long-term aspect of it. I put myself on a 600-calorie deficit because I didn't want to expend too much energy doing cardio. I naturally hit a plateau in about two weeks, after I had dropped over 10 lbs. Around this time, I noticed I lost my menstrual cycle, but I continued with the process because I didn't want to be a quitter. It took me another two weeks to overcome the plateau, but once the second and then the third plateau came around, I became desperate and pushed my body even further to very unhealthy lengths. My longest plateau lasted three weeks, and by the time I overcame it, I was two weeks out and still had 15 lbs to lose. I panicked. I simultaneously fasted and ate below a thousand calories while working out at the same intensity. I eventually fasted for 67 hours in hopes to dig into my energy stores, but to my dismay, the number on the scale barely went down. At this point, I was no longer functional and I could feel my body shutting down. I chose to stop the rigorous cutting and stepped on stage without a stage-lean body.

        

Initially, my post-competition plan was to reverse-diet to avoid post-competition rebound. However, when I stepped off the stage, I knew I needed to do something about the period I had lost for three months. After some research, I came across Nicola Rinaldi's "No Period, Now What?" This book, and Rinaldi's supportive Facebook group for women with hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA), was my turning point. I finally decided to take care of myself and went "all-in" with food. As expected, I packed on crazy amounts of weight in a short amount of time. The weight-gain was, and still is, a very distressing process. It also didn't help that the number of likes on my Instagram posts following my weight gain significantly diminished. In addition, I would receive judgement from people, stating how I wasn't even stage-lean. Serious bodybuilders considered my self-care efforts or post-competition rebound a "weakness".

Nonetheless, this path to better health offered me a second chance to relearn the lessons I thought I had already learned. For instance, I learned that I can't please everyone. Someone is always going to have a problem with what I am doing, but that doesn't mean that my efforts are wrong. We simply have differences, and I have no business entertaining their problems with my personal goals. It is okay to do things that people do not understand, as long as it is for your well-being and longevity. Another lesson I have learned is that taking care of yourself is the greatest form of self-love one can practice. While gaining weight contributed to my anxiety, I came to accept that it was necessary for my recovery from HA. I loved myself too much to place society's standards above my own fitness. It continues to be difficult for me to eat well, avoid strenuous activity, look at myself in the mirror, and put on my tight-fitting clothes. Regardless, I will stand tall and fight my demons to restore my health.

I hope that more individuals are able to stand up for themselves and their body's needs. There is simply no point of hurting the vessel in which you live in, just to live in a facade of confidence. We can only live healthfully once we have recognized the denial that our unhealthy habits are healthy.