The Catalyst that Started This Blog

Five months ago, I found out that Fitness Movement Singapore was to hold a bodybuilding competition on July. After spending two weeks contemplating on whether to participate, I figured that I had twelve weeks to prep for the bikini division and began my coachless journey to the stage. Among many of my reasons, I mainly wanted to learn more about the human physiology by challenging myself. In addition, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I desired validation as a fitness professional. Despite generally being happy with my body, I thought that people would judge me as a personal trainer because I neither looked like a fitness model nor competed in any sport.

Even before initiating my journey to the stage, I was obsessed with the gym. It provided me more comfort and stability than anything else in my life, and I abused it during times of emotional distress. I lived in a facade of happiness and strength when I was really using exercise as a means to hide my sorrows. My fixation led me to work out for two to five hours each day, with occasional rest days. My body was screaming at me to stop, but I kept going. I eventually developed anxiety and disconnected from my friends because I could not sacrifice a day without being there. It also didn’t help that my job required me to be at the gym. Given my circumstances, you could only imagine how much worse my addiction with exercise would get under the weight of the competition.

Going into prep, I thought that I was at a good place because I genuinely believed I had gotten over my body image issues. Competition fueled me to chase a level of leanness I have never attempted to reach because I was motivated by the event, rather than the intrinsic need to look a certain way. However, early into prep, I knew something was wrong. My menstrual cycle disappeared. At the time, I knew about the female athlete triad and believed it is normal for women to lose their cycles. I didn’t quite understand the implications of this condition.

Whenever I felt horrid, I would repeat to myself “this is just part of the process,” and “cry now, laugh later.” As one who needs to see the end to the finish line, I proceeded with the prep and continued to damage my health. At one point, I switched to the keto diet because I could no longer digest anything. Furthermore, I had hit a plateau towards the end of prep and fasted for 67 hours in hopes to break it. To my dismay, I did not lose any weight. During peak week, I came to my senses and accepted that I was not going to be stage-lean. I stopped the damaging act, treated my body better, and took the week off from the gym. Thinking back on those days, I laugh at myself as a NASM-certified weight loss specialist. It’s funny how desperation had caused me to do the things I would never, ever recommend to anyone else.

After stepping on stage and scoring sixth out of six women, I took home with me a pity medal and many lessons about not only the human physiology (as I had initially intended), but also about myself. The insights I have acquired from this journey inspired me to start this blog because I am more passionate about general well-being than I have ever been. Despite growing up with myriads of health problems, this event was the final catalyst that drove me to advocate healthful living practices. This blog was created in my hopes to use the knowledge from my experiences and professional expertise to guide you to live a healthier, more fulfilling life. However, as ironic as it is, I will not be writing many things about weightlifting until I have recovered from hypothalamic amenorrhea and am able to return the gym.